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Idealistic People Make the Best Cynics
Every so often I come to a crossroads. There exists in all of us some mode of duality: a presence of ideas that are quite mutually exclusive yet for whatever reason we have not yet resolved the conflicts or discarded some. Over the past few days I've struggled with a quite a few of these ideas, and I thought I'd share my deliberations with you.
For nearly as long as I can remember, I've had an underlying personality trait of altruism. I've long felt that we should all treat each other honestly and give where we can and it seems prudent. I will readily admit that it's not always been the dominant trait but always in the back of my mind I have the thoughts of how what I am doing affects others.
I've seen a lot violence in my childhood along with much anger, poverty, and suffering. There are not any details in this post because they are not conducive to my intent here. I am also one of those people that you might say is "naturally gifted". As a child I was often targeted because I performed better in some things than many of my peers. There were adults who ridiculed me (or even beat me) for being nice, and for doing things that I thought were going to improve my life as well as the lives around me. Such actions confused me. I believed that if you loved people that they would love you back. I believed that if you did the right thing then people would treat you right. I believed that those in charge would reward you for serving and for working towards the common good.
The thing about being an idealist is that as you strive to live something fully, you begin to notice the discrepancies between the ideal and what is actually happening - more so than most other people. I spent a lot of effort in trying to keep people from hurting each other. I spent a lot of time getting hurt. Being nice to hostile people often ended in me getting a bruised lip or a knock to the stomach. I couldn't understand why people would abuse me for doing well or for being nice to them. Looking back, it was like they were trying to prove to me that my actions were counter-productive. It was like they had given up on the idea of being nice and were waging war against those who believed this way. It was like I was a threat to their very existence.
I grew up angry, afraid, and bitter. I still believed that doing good to others was the way to live, but I had conflicting beliefs literally beat into me. Since I had spent so much time focusing on the violence (to stop it), I started to see things the same way that the violent people did. You get that on which you focus. One belief that I picked up was anything good that I did was useless - that it made no difference. In the grand scheme of life, it can most certainly seem that way. Sure, I can help out a few people but in comparison to all the suffering that goes on in around me it makes my efforts look like absolutely nothing. Since I was "wasting my time", this was another excuse that was often used to abuse and mock me.
Idealistic people make the best cynics because they have strong feelings of the way life should be. When life continually falls below these standards, there are a few choices that can be made:
- abandon/change the ideal
- hating & abusing others/self for not living up to the ideal
- accept that the ideal is a constant goal that may not be reached in the foreseeable future.
Of course there are more options that that, but I'm just making a point. In my experience there are a lot of people who chose #2. I chose #2 for a long time, but I've found that option #2 is never a good idea. What good comes from hating someone? What kind of good are you doing someone by hurting someone? The old adage of "teach them a lesson" does not hold - the only thing that you teach by violence is how to be violent. If you do not embody what you want to teach, you are teaching something else. Sometimes the ideals that we cling to are quite unrealistic or are much more harmful than helpful. In these cases, altering or dismissing them is a viable option. If it is worth holding on to the ideal then I think it important for us to remember these things:
- We could very well be wrong about some aspects of our viewpoints
- That there are times that the ideal situation cannot be reached immediately
- People have their own choices, you really can't "make" someone do what you want
- Others may not be ready to live a certain way, there are emotional and mental steps to be taken before a type of living can be achieved
Going back to what I said before about loving people and having it reciprocated: there is something quite nefarious in what I believed. Living around manipulative people, I had learned to be manipulative in my altruism. I turned from doing good to others for their benefit to doing good to others so that they would change into how I wanted them to be. Some would say that not wanting to be beaten is not a bad goal to have, and I have to agree. However, the crux of the issues is that I was trying to force another person, to "make" them do something. I have seen this attitude do much more harm than good over the years. You might get some of the desired results, but we as humans resist real change from those who try to force.
As an ideologist, it can be quite tempting to say that we need radical change to compensate for all the suffering that is going on. The so-called "old" values of self responsibility, of knowledge and application, and consequence are not working and we need to force people to do what is good for them. I believe that keeping knowledge from people and manipulating them has done more damage than anything else. You can't manage every choice of every person. Just because we feel that we know better doesn't mean that we can force another to have a better life.
No matter what there will be those who suffer. In the immortal words of Wesley: "Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." (Princess Bride) No amount of legislation or social engineering can eliminate suffering. We can, however, help each other with our burdens. To ignore all those who willingly give their time, money, and work to better their neighbors and proclaim that people as a whole will not do good unless they are forced is a lie. It is a lie often used to hide evil intentions. It is sad to me when I see those who genuinely want the best for all who get caught up in this. More often than not it's when they immerse themselves so much in the suffering of others that they lose sight of the whole picture and how many opportunities there are for everyone to be happy.
Since this time of great tumult in my life, I have come across many people who through their words and actions have taught me to look at the whole situation: my choices in conjunction with what is happening. Once I started looking for ways in which I could be happy and safe (instead of avoiding pain and stopping violence), my life started to turn. It's been a bumpy ride, but almost every day is so much better than the previous one. There are so many opportunities that sit around us, a major thing that keeps us from them is the ability to see them.
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velda
Thanks Jeremy. While I do think your experiences are unique in many ways, it almost seems like idealists are born of one kind of suffering or another, and it takes a big heart to share what you've learned.
One tip I've learned is to simply allow yourself to feel what you feel. In the past several years, I've been hurt and unable to influence a relationship for the better. I've judged myself harshly for feeling angry or sad, willing myself to believe I was simply failing to find the good motives behind mistaken actions. Little by little I managed to muffle every emotion, believing it to be for the greater good. But living that way is living a lie, too, and sadly, liars wind up in the hell they create for themselves. Thank God for deliverance, even if the process is slow.
Jeremy Nicoll
I wish my experiences were less unique than they actually are. You'd be surprised at how many people have grown up in environments of violence.
velda
I'd originally typed "your experience is unfortunately not unique" actually. The violence itself is horribly common. But the experience is always different, even in the same household, because of our individual reactions and emotions and coping mechanisms. So I had to quickly change my post :o) And it was late. Sorry if that didn't quite make sense.